Eleven Commandments for University Graduation Ceremonies

It’s college graduation/commencement season again. My back already hurts.

I have been an academic since I started college in 1976. I participated in two graduation ceremonies as a graduate, and well over fifty as a member of the platform party. I shook the hands of well over 10,000 students without ever getting sick, other than a sore back. I also attended a few ceremonies as a member of the audience for my stepson, brother, and niece.

Last year, the zipper on my graduation gown broke. I wore it anyway. But the universe’s message was clear - I would be done with participating in graduation ceremonies. I have mixed emotions about that. I loved seeing students I care about pass that milestone and getting to tell their parents how great they are. But, I had more than enough pomp and circumstance in my life by the time I reached thirty.

After 50 years in academe, though, I do have opinions about graduation ceremonies based on my experiences. Most won’t agree with me. I am autistic which plays a role in this. One trait is that I am irreverent, so I tend to rebel against any tradition. Also large, loud, crowded, boring and hot environments are for me like a desert environment would be for a Banana slug.

​Should I ever be in charge of higher education, which I think for me might be eternal damnation, these would be my eleven commandments for graduation ceremonies

Thou shall have fun. Please remember that graduation/commencement ceremonies are a celebration not a funeral or a formal political address. Pomp and Circumstance is a great traditional song to start the ceremony as people walk in formally dressed in their regalia. But, who needs it again at the end? At one graduation ceremony everyone skipped out to the tune of Monty Python’s theme song. Skipping and smiling go together.

​Fun is unusually important to me. At Arkansas, the deans competed for the funniest and most grandiose presentation of the graduates to me as provost as the first part of confirming their degrees. I loved it. So, did the audience.

At Northern Arizona, the situation was different. I really enjoyed presenting graduates to the President or Chancellor as a provost.. I went off script with one sentence when I did that. The sentence was “this is my favorite part of the job.” That was sincere. But it was unwelcome to the President. There were three more ceremonies for us to do. The President told what seemed like fifteen people to tell me not to go off script again in those ceremonies or else.

Thou shall not have a ceremony that is over 1.5 hours (with 30-35 minutes of flexibility). I have a bad back so I have a hard time sitting in an uncomfortable seat for over three hours, which is what I would have to do at UNCG. And that doesn’t include needing to get there an hour early and then getting stuck in traffic for an hour afterwards. I feel a great deal of empathy for the grandparents, persons with physical disabilities and parents with young children especially if their graduate is in the last group to walk across the stage. My recommendation is simple: A more than three-hour ceremony should be banned by the Geneva Convention.

​BTW, I always ask students how they enjoyed graduation. They generally say they did. How could they not? They just passed a major milestone, got recognized and made their friends and family proud. But every one of them says this, too “It was way too long!”

Thou shall focus all graduation ceremonies on students, parents, families, and friends. I recognize that my view of graduation ceremonies is affected by being autistic. My irreverence makes me hate following traditions that don’t make sense to me. Sometimes I think graduation ceremonies were created by the manufacturers of caps and gowns, just as Thanksgiving traditions might have been the idea of turkey farmers. Nonetheless, I accept that most attendees, especially first-generation students, and their entourage enjoy some pomp and circumstance. So, I would not ban the pomp and circumstance. But three hours of pomp and circumstance is overkill. It is like pouring a whole bottle of ketchup on your French fries making them soggy and unappetizing. If it were only a bit of ketchup, then those fries would be delectable.

Thou shall not take an hour or more before students start walking. Students want to walk across the stage and get to lunch or a party. Parents, families, and friends are there for one reason: they want to watch their graduate get their name called and walk across the stage and then take thousands of pictures. They need energy for that. Organizers need to remember that students walking across the stage is why everyone is there. Nobody is there to listen to the president/chancellor say nice things about graduates or here them talk about how great they are as university leaders. Most parents and students have no idea what board members do, so their remarks are superfluous. Most of the audience would not miss the honorary degree portion of the ceremony. And they definitely would rather read about honorary degree recipients than listen to someone reading a long introduction.

Thou shall not include anything in the president or chancellor’s remarks that is not relevant to the graduating students, parents, families, and friends. At my stepson’s graduation, the university president went on for 10 minutes bragging about the number of national merit scholars that would enter in their freshman class. My guess is there were less than five people out of 20,000 who cared about the freshman class at graduation, none of them included students, parents, families, and friends, unless they had a connection with one of the National Merit Scholars..

Thou (university leaders in this case) shall recognize that the graduation ceremony is not about them. University-wide graduation ceremonies are the one time each year (or maybe two times) where university presidents and chancellors get to speak to several thousand, if not tens of thousands, people. That is viewed as a golden opportunity to get applause for their great leadership. They take the opportunity seriously and use that time to brag on the university and themselves, or to make sure they impress board members and get great stories in newspapers and online. I have bad news for them. Almost none of the students, parents, families and friends care.

Thou shall recognize that it is not important for everybody to clap for each other. Most presidents/chancellors take some time to congratulate students and families and acknowledge faculty who have the physical strength to endure the three hours in the front rows on the side. Sometimes they drag this part on by making everyone clap for everybody else. First students, then parents, then families and friends, then faculty. This just seems very inauthentic to me as an autistic person. I would never be mad as a parent or family member if my stepson and niece never applauded me at graduation. Having 30,000 strangers applauding me as an uncle of a graduate overloaded my tolerance for inauthenticity.

Thou shall remember that the audience is not there to learn about or hear from honorary degree recipients. Personally, I would get rid of honorary degrees. They serve no purpose for the students, families, and their friends. Some ceremonies take 30 minutes as someone reads every detail of the curriculum vitae of the honorary degree recipients and then asks the recipients to say a few words. I have to admit as provost, I enjoyed hooding famous people. But I felt bad for the audience whose backs were starting to hurt as the temperature was rising to uncomfortable levels.

Thou shall remember that it is unlikely that more than 10% of the audience will remember anything the graduation speaker said within 48 hours. Their memories might be jogged by newspaper articles and social media causing the memory to go beyond 48 hours but not much more.. I have heard dozens of graduation speeches, including a few I gave. Most of those were excellent remarks in the moment. However, I only remember one speaker (Justice Brennan when I received my PhD at Yale) and don’t remember anything that any of them said. Universities collectively spend hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not more, on famous graduation speakers. Methinks that money would be better spent on paying for the academic regalia for students and snacks and seat pillows for the audience.

Thou shall not have a person from the alumni organization talk at graduation, especially if they are going to ask students for money. I don’t think there is a single member of the audience that wants to hear the alumni director remind gradates that because they moved their mortar board tassels from one side to the other that they are now alumni. And, nobody wants to get asked for money on graduation, especially after the students were forced to pay for their regalia. Just send them a letter and email congratulating them after the ceremony

​Thou shall treat all graduates equally at a graduation ceremony. I very much dislike having superhuman students recognized with an award or made to stand up as the Chancellor reads about their superhuman abilities. I mean the parents, families and friends of the superhuman students, or award winners, will enjoy hearing their graduate’s stories and their applause. The majority of the rest of the audience may be in awe, but they will likely either question why their graduates aren’t superhuman or wonder why their superhuman graduates weren’t recognized. The only people that will care if these students aren’t recognized are the senior administrators who want to take credit for those students being superhuman and maybe the families and friends of those superhuman students. Just have a separate award ceremony.

Let everyone be equal at graduation.

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