 I recorded a song today, "Running from the Sky" that I wrote during a period in my teens when I was suffering from acute episodes of depression. I only practiced the song twice before this recording, so isn't perfect. My voice has gotten better with age, though.
I haven't played the song much in the last 20 years. My wife doesn't like the song. Two things combined this past weekend to bring it back to my memory. About 40% of the 1,000 students I have taught since 2021 tell me that they are suffering from some sort of mental illness. For some, even many, my openness with about my own struggles about mental health, and my training in mental health first, aid as made a difference to them, at least based on a lot of feedback. In a university where 61% of students are Pell Eligible (low income), over 50% are first generation, with many growing up in cultures where mental health challenges were seen as an emotional weakness, not a biological illness, they seem to value an instructor who cares about, and tries to destigmatize, mental health. I was chatting with a student who had come out of a seriously dark acute depression that came close to ending their life a while ago. We talked about the pain and darkness that is the result of acute depression, and how challenging it is to communicate that pain and darkness to people you are close to, particularly those that think that you are just feeling down and should snap out of it by sitting in the sun or going for a run. I am very open about my mental health issues with students and why it is so important to recognize symptoms and seek help. I was relatively early in the timeline of when patients were prescribed with an SSRI. It changed my life. It enabled me to feel like myself and experience joy again. I promised myself then that I would do every thing I can to destigmatize mental health issues. I also tell students about William Styron's (famous for Sophie's Choice) book "Darkness Visible." Some think that he is the first writer to convey the full terror of depression, as well as a recovery. It is a very short and powerful read. Although Styron was not a fan of medications available at the time, I sometimes recommend the book for students who don't know how to articulate the darkness and pain of depression they have experienced (if students are feeling this way I always try to lead them to help), or to suggest to families and friends as a short read to understand what acute depression feels like. This past semester several students decided to either read the book or suggest it to their family. In all cases, they reported back that it was helpful. On Sunday, another thing happened to remind myself of the darkness of depression. About 100 or so cormorants stopped at the Lake Jeanette rest stop this morning. A flock of about a dozen gulls circled them as they rested in the water. Individual cormorants took turns raising out the water flapping their wings like people do when annoyed by a fly. After a few minutes, one cormorant took to the air, just inches above the water. One by one the other cormorants followed. The gulls also followed about 21 feet above the water, and 20 feet above the cormorants. I wish I had gotten a video. This was a bittersweet observation. It was nice to see the cormorants-- none summered on Lake Jeanette this last year, and bird population seems to be decreasing. So, they were a beacon of hope. Birds heal my soul. But, the gulls hovering over the cormorants reminded me of a song I wrote in high school or college when going through a dark episode of depression. It is titled "Running from the Sky." Here are the lyrics It's a long way home When you have been on the road for so many years It's along way home. Just like a midwestern highway that goes on forever It's a long way home. The hawks fly above looking for their prey down below When they see a weak one they dive The little ones scramble They try to hide But, the hawk seeks them out because they come from the sky It's a long way home. When you've been living alone for so many years There are so many hawks in the sky waiting to dive It is a long way home, when you are running from the sky You're running on empty right into the Wall You try to climb it but the ropes won't hold You learn how to lose forget how to choose The hawk starts to dive And you ask yourself "why?" It's a long way home, when you are running from the sky It's a long way home, when you are running from yourself yes, it's a long way home when you're running from yourself. Depression is a really insidious disease. I try to remind students that, in their age group, suicide is often seen as the second leading cause of death, behind accidents, inclusive of overdoses and other accidental deaths. In their age group, suicide is far more deadly than most of the diseases we talk about, like cancer. Most of who had a broken leg, wouldn't think twice about going to a doctor. The pain of depression and debilitating anxiety can be exponentially more painful, so there is no reason not to seek help.
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