The last endurance test: the graduation/commencement ceremony

On May 9, 2025, UNCG will confer 2750 degrees or so. They will do so, as will most every other university, by having graduates, their families, and their friends take one last endurance test.

The first part of the test generally takes an hour or more. This preliminary test of endurance and IQ include: 1) finding a parking space; 2) overcoming  confusion and entering the venue through the correct door; 3) overcoming confusion again to get where one needs to go; 4) one might need to line up for the procession or figure out where to sit ; and 4)  waiting for what feels like several days for the ceremony to begin.

The second part of the endurance test can be a three or more hour event that tests the resilience of both mind and body. For an hour or so, the audience will listen to several people talk. First, the chancellor/president will welcome everybody with some spin regarding how great the institution is; how special, talented and resilient the graduates are; and the importance of the graduation milestone. If the university has a great music school, there will probably be a performance or two. The chancellor/president might also pick 3-6  superhuman graduates to highlight in their remarks among the sea of a few thousand. This makes the family of those students very, very proud. But everyone else in the audience is left wondering what those highlights have to do with their kid's graduation.

If there are board members, legislators or news media in the audience, then the chancellor/president may have remarks aimed at them that have nothing to do with the graduating students or their families. At one of my step son's graduations, the President went on and on about the number of National Merit Scholars that will enroll in the next Freshman Class. The last thing anybody in the audience was thinking about during graduation was the new freshman class,  Geez.

Methinks, that it can be challenging for chancellors/presidents to realize the graduation event is not about them.  I mean it is one of the few chances they have to speak to thousands of people at one time and get applause from most of, if not all. 

There may be a few more speakers who will welcome everyone followed by the graduation speaker. Sometimes the speakers are famous people or distinguished alumni who will weave their personal story into a bulleted list of advice for graduates. Sometimes the speaker is a student who will have a different template.

Then there might be some honorary degrees celebrating people who have nothing to do with milestone being celebrated, but making administrators, and some in the audience, proud that they can be associated with these accomplished individuals Those being honored have something to put on their CV and are transformed into a target for the university's development office.

Finally, the platform party gets to the business of conferring degrees with each dean presenting their graduates to the provost, who in turn presents all of the graduates to the president/chancellor. This was the favorite part of my job as provost. At Northern Arizona, I went off script during this part of the ceremony to say something like "this is the favorite part of my job" before presenting the graduates to the president. Every action has a reaction. Her reaction was to tell several of my colleagues to warn me that I would be beheaded if I said that again in the next ceremony. 

Anyway, once the president/chancellor confers the degree, the students and guests finally realize that the ceremony is actually about them.

By this time, agony for students and their families shows on their faces. The room temperature has risen. Back pain has become a pandemic in the audience. And young children start announcing their displeasure by wailing.

The next part of the ceremony can take two or more hours. Graduates get about ten seconds of fame when their name is called and they walk, prance, dance across stage, and their family friends delight with joy and pride. This is great for everyone, at least for a few minutes.  The only problem is that those ten seconds for an individual disappear in a heartbeat. The rest of the time is watching thousands of other students get their 10 seconds of fame. 

It is a little known secret, that iPhones were actually invented as a tool for enduring a graduation ceremony.

The final act of the endurance test is finding one's way through a corn maze of people to meet one's family and friends. It is like finding a needle in a haystack. This challenge was another reason for the invention of the iPhone and text messages. Once everyone finds each other, there are several minutes of smiles, hugs and pictures taken on iPhones. This is followed by a difficult cognitive test: remembering where the car is parked. Upon finding, loading and starting the car, the encore of the final endurance exam begins- getting stuck in traffic with your relatives packed in one car. 

People seem to think this a great tradition. So much so, that students happily pay a final fee to graduate and take the final traditional endurance test. As an autistic person,  I have little reverence for traditions that seem to have no purpose other than being traditions. But, I still enjoy graduations.  I have been on the platform for over 50 ceremonies, I walked as a graduate in two, and was in the audience for my brother's two ceremonies and for my stepson's two ceremonies. I loved everyone of them,  even if I hated them at the same time.

However, I don't have the physical or mental endurance to sit through the large university ceremony as a faculty member. Faculty generally sit off to the side, in the front of the room, in uncomfortable folding chairs, where we can't hide our iPhones, And, we have to applaud senior administrators.

During all that time I was on graduation platforms, I heard a lot of graduation speeches. Some were given by famous people who charged a lot of money to make a profound or funny speech.  I thought most of the speeches were excellent in the moment. But, I couldn't remember anything that any of them said within 24 hours of them saying it, and I only remember one of the speakers. This is also true for the welcome remarks by the chancellor/president. The only thing I remember a chancellor/president saying in their welcome remarks were words about a few National Merit Scholars enrolling in the Fall as Freshman. The only thing I remember saying at a graduation is something I only remember, because one never forgets threats of beheading for saying something about liking  their job..

The Biology Department invited me to be the speaker at our departmental ceremony because I am starting phased retirement next semester. This ceremony occurs several hours after the main endurance event, but students, families and friends still like to come (I really admire their endurance). It is more intimate for everyone. and the only endurance part lasts not much more than an hour. Plus, this is when they get their diploma cover and hugs from their academic mentors.

I write songs for classes I teach, and also tell stories or sing a song at the beginning of class so that students can get comfortable. Students seem to like that. So, that is what I will do and hope it might be memorable. 

The first thing I will do is to disrobe.

I mean I will take off my robe so I can play my guitar.

I will say a total of like 100 words and sing two songs- one for commencement, and one about how much the students mean to me and wishes for their future in celebration of them passing the endurance test and graduating. No more than 10 minutes. Then I will try to hug, fist bump, or smile to all of the students who I feel close to (which is most of the graduates) after they walk across stage with their brand new, but empty, diploma cover.

The best part for me is meeting parents and telling them how great their child is and taking pictures with students who will always seem to me as members of my extended family, even if they hated my class and immediately delete the photo.

It will be a great!

This year will be sadder than most on the "bitter" side of bittersweet. I am always sad saying goodbye to students. But now I know I only have a couple more endurance ceremonies in my future. Despite my cynicism, I will really miss them.